News Article

Hitchhiker Has Big Night

At a quarter to two early Thursday morning, Josh Cole spotted a man trying to get a lift on the Lowell Connector in Lowell, MA. After remembering that one should never pick up hitchhikers in the dark, Cole promptly pulled over and gave a quick toot of his Cavalerian horn.

The man, looking as if he were attempting a run, bounced to the car with an amazing lack of balance for one still on his feet. The man got into the car and announced that he was heading to either Burlington, MA or Nashua NH, two spots in equal and opposite directions on Route 3.

Cole shook the man's hand and found that the his name was Don. Don reported that he had left his car at home due to his lack of belief in "drinkin' and drivin'."

Without any inquiry whatsoever, Don informed Josh that he had met the "Hawtest girl tonight at the Blue Shamrock." When not pressed for details, he continued, "We was dancin' and neckin'. I already called her and she got home. I paid for her cab." It can only be assumed that this was why Don had resorted to thumbing his way either straight East or due North.

After Cole decided not to really care about the ages of these new lovers, Don chimed, "I'm fawty-seven and she's thirty-seven. And we're both on the rebound. I made a pact nawt to have relationship for a whole year."

After driving Don precisely 1.9 miles to the Route 3 break-off, Josh let him stumble his way off into the night to try his luck en route to a spot in Nashua referred to only as "the hospital."